A Lack of...

The words of this song reflect the heart of a man who seems unable to express his strength and passion to the one closest to him.  The song describes a loneliness that must be numbed to be endured, and the subsequent belief that he has little of value to offer others.  This song makes sense of why pornography, and other addictive substances/activities, are attractive, and why they “work.”  Whether this was the intention of the song or not, it’s made sense of the struggle and the struggler.

If you feel discouraged
When there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover
It's really bursting at the seams

From absorbing everything

The spectrums A to Z

Passion

This man knows that what he portrays, what others see in him, is a lack of life.  Others would think that there is little going on in his heart.  That little is stirring in his soul.  But it is just the opposite.  He takes in everything.  So much so that he is about to burst.  But this is the struggle.  Bursting is risky…vulnerable.  “What will others think of me if I burst?”  “My passion, my heart, has not been enjoyed, but it has been mocked…critiqued…ignored.”  When a man experiences this in his youth, he learns to not express the passion in his heart.  He keeps it to himself, because to offer it to another is to offer himself up to be hurt.

But, when a man cannot express this passion, or when he shuts it down to remain safe, a distance forms between him and others.  People who invite vulnerability and passion, while attractive to the struggling man, are also dangerous.  “This man/woman could cause me to burst…and I doubt they will be able to handle it if I do.  And I will be left alone in the end.  It’s not worth it.”  So, a great loneliness takes over the heart of the man.   But this loneliness can’t be endured for long without something to alleviate the pain.
 
All the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone

Loneliness
Deep loneliness is a taste of hell.  To feel unknown.  Unloved.  Unlovable.  The experience, when acknowledged by the struggler, is overwhelming.  To function with this pain, a numbing agent must be used.  This dynamic is at work in all forms of addiction, whether the struggler is numbing fear, anger, despair, or loneliness with alcohol, with eating, or with entertainment.  To numb loneliness, pornography “works” perfectly. As it distracts from, and anesthetizes, the pain, it is also gives a simulation of the thing longed for…intimacy…closeness…oneness.  Ultimately, as the song recognizes, it doesn’t work.  It is an illusion. But, for the moments when the man begins to fantasize, then begins to plan, and then carries out his plan, that lonely taste of hell is held at bay. 

…But I know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay

Nothing Enjoyable/Nothing to Offer

The end result of this disconnect from passion (truly, a disconnection from oneself) and numbing of pain, is a belief that takes hold of a man that he has nothing to offer of value to another.  So many of the men I have worked with feel as if all they have to offer their wives or their friends is brokenness and neediness.  “They stick around because they have to…because they feel bad for me…not because they love me.”  While his wife and friends may assure him, if they are so bold as to speak these deep fears out loud, that their love for him is real, the man struggles to believe it.  “Why!?  How?!”  While he longs to be loved deeply, he believes there is nothing in him that deserves it.  At this point, the man either redoubles his efforts to prove to those around him that he does have something to offer, or he goes the opposite direction and “lives up to” the belief he has about himself.

Either way, the distance and loneliness deepens.

Another Way

So, what is a man caught in this trap to do?  If trying harder to prove his worthiness doesn’t work, and becoming who he believes himself to be (a piece of…), what can he do?  Quit trying. 

Quit trying to prove that you are worthy of love because of what you can do, and allow another to come into contact with who you truly are and delight in you.  Offer what is most valuable: your heart.  The beginning point of this song is the disconnect between the passion that is stirring in a man’s heart and his ability to reveal that to others.  And this is where we begin with the men we work with in Ransomed Life.  “How did you learn that who you were is unlovable?  How did you find out that your passion isn’t right/good/manly?  How might you reconnect to that passion?”  And then, the next and most risky step, is offering that passion to others.  This is true intimacy.  At the heart of the man who struggles with pornography and other sexual addictions is the longing for connection, closeness, oneness, intimacy with others.  To feel deeply loved.  To be truly accepted.  When a man experiences this, pornography becomes a pale substitute, and loses its attraction and hold over him.